Having written this post it all seems somewhat deep and maybe I'm a little nuts, but I'm posting anyway as I doubt I'm the only one questioning myself or my life. Also I'm hoping that by putting it all out there in public I can motivate myself more to simply just get on with doing what I need to. I can't risk failure then can I???!!!!!
And by the way, this first weeks steps have seen me hit over 72,000 and still this afternoon to go.
All in the mind?
Well it is! At least as far as eating goes. Slowly, very slowly I am beginning to accept that only I can stop myself from eating too much. From eating high calorie, little nutrition snacks. Not that the realisation has had any immediate effect but it's a step in the right direction. I hope. I know I will never be able to stop myself completely but I need to see cakes, breads etc as a treat.
Half the problem for me is that I like food in general and so does my family. We bake cakes and biscuits, we cook most meals from scratch so we can control what have but with a husband and son who can eat any amount of anything and not show it, it becomes hard for me not to join in. So willpower and promptly freezing almost every leftover or most of the cakes has to be part of the answer. I just need to convince them to do that so I'm not tempted. It's going to have to be a family affair - me losing the excess. So there's another realisation it isn't just me that that needs the willpower, the family will have to change their habits too. That could well be the hard part. Especially as hubby is a really good cook.
Today after walking the dog around Witherslack woods I will visit a friend for coffee (unlikely to be cake as she is consciously dieting anyway) but I will be coming home to a roast beef dinner with all the trimmings and hubby does vast quantities of roasties and Yorkshire puds with the excuse the dog enjoys them too. Not to mention the cauliflower cheese with Stilton - I adore Stilton. Well any cheese if I'm honest - once when visiting my parents while expecting my daughter, we were living in Germany with the RAF at the time - Mum had a piece of Lancashire Tasty on the table and I ate the lot, it was such a contrast to the German cheeses and a reminder of my childhood. I did enjoy it too! There - another reminder of my lack of willpower!
I know what I should be eating. I have actually lost weight before on a proper diet plan and I felt good. But life got in the way and the weight and more came back. There have been family deaths, ill health with those closest to me that is an ongoing issue, a frail elderly Mum who lives on her own an hour away (I'm the only child) and I have been comfort eating. All the while knowing I shouldn't do so.
My hope now though is that I know I need to get myself fitter and healthier to be able to cope with whatever is thrown at the family next. I am the constant in everyone else life so I need to be in the best possible place to be that cornerstone that holds the family together. They all mean the world to me so I need to put myself in the best possible physical and mental space to be the person I want to be for them.
Edited to add I managed 82,171 steps this week so over target but I must emphasise that I had two days when I didn't make 10,000!